[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]

[danieljardim]

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her
> pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
>
> 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses
> for you not being here tomorrow.
>
> I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
> illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
> no other excuses
> whatsoever!'
>
>
> A smart-ar**d guy at the back of the room
> raised his hand and asked,
>
>
> 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from
> complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
>
> The entire class was reduced to
> laughter and sniggering.
>
> When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at
> the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
>
>
> 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write
> with your other hand'.
>

 

[Detrich]

ROFLMAO

Daniel that was a good one.

 

[JT]

YOU REALLY CAN'T FIX STUPID!


Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

... “I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

 

[Bert-Aus]

Cheers JT for the link

 

[dart1963]

Sign up today!

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., jan 31 , 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or B!tching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

 

[JT]

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., jan 31 , 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or B!tching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

HAHAH rofl FUNNY SHIT!! im sending it to my EX wife ha

 

[Scott_Thomas]

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., jan 31 , 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or B!tching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Funny as hell, don't think my wife will think so, but I'm gonna show her anyway.

Sent from my SGH-I777 using Tapatalk 2

 

[MrGti]

A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
...
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- just sure he's going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I've just had the worst day of my entire life!”
She responds, “You think your day was bad, the mailman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

 

[DakinechicK]

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
To the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own
damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

 

[Bert-Aus]

Kenny the Rooster

Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.

WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is mega-impressed.

But it doesn't stop there...

Straight after that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny the Stud-Rooster is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He bonks the honk outta all those geese.

By sunset he sees that rabid sex maniac rooster out in the fields quelling quail and phraternising with pheasants. The farmer is distraught; concerned that his expensive rooster is gonna sensually short circuit himself.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a vigorous and expensive performer, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself... I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says,

"Shhh, they're getting closer....

 

[Bert-Aus]

If your dog could text

 

[dart1963]

A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned
To the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and
gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you
be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own
damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A few minutes later she said "You still awake"

he said, "of course"

she said "Good, go get me some ice cream.. you're gonna wanna leave the room for a few minutes anyway"


he said "huh".... {she tooted}

he left, got her her ice cream, then wound up sleeping on the common coach car anyways...
The End.

there, fixed it for ya!!!!


lol, that was pretty funny

 

[Bert-Aus]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?







A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f!$%in' cat!!!

 

[Bert-Aus]

Why I became a Captain

Why I became a Captain

Many years ago on a long transatlantic flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon - what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fuckin' advice, he'll ask me for it."

 

[BoneJj]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?







A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f!$%in' cat!!!

LMAO! that one was pretty funny.

 

[danieljardim]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however is unable to get an erection.Hie depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, Here I come again! ONE , TWO, THREE,...UGH!
ONE, TWO, THREE,...UGH!..Here I come again..ONE ,TWO ,THREE ..UGH!
This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the the second dwarf asked the first,
"How did it go?"..The first dwarf mutters "it was embarrassing
" I just couldn't get an erection." The second Dwarf shook his head.
You think that was embarrsing? "I couldn't get on the bed."

 

[MrGti]

A young man was very excited because he had won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium.

As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.

... The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

 

[Bert-Aus]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of
land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By
the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gunna be the two of us.

 

[Bert-Aus]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old nephew, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

 

[Bert-Aus]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop: " License and registration, please."
London Lawyer: "What for?"
Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" d
London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s!$% out of the lawyer's car and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"