[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]
- Thread starter BrueThru
- Start date
ok, he was "More than 0K"...Ahem...telling a science joke where the admin is a scientist carries some risks! If that is supposed to be zero K...liquid nitrogen is actually 77K.
totally offensive
oldies, but goodies!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
A lightbulb was stuck up her @ss.
It woke up the spider
Who lived deep inside her.
He said "Hey, free electric and gas."
Little Boy Blue -
He needed the money.
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye
When her eye was dry and shut
Georgie f@#$ed that one-eyed slut
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
That f@#in' whore.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone
When she bent over,
Her Rover took over
And she got a bone of her own.
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top
Your mother's a whore,
And I ain't your pop.
Three blind mice, see how they run
Where the f#ck are they going?
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his f%#kin' dick.
There was an old lady
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out
Patty cake, patty cake,
Baker's man
If your chick's on her period
F@$k her in the can
oldies, but goodies!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
A lightbulb was stuck up her @ss.
It woke up the spider
Who lived deep inside her.
He said "Hey, free electric and gas."
Little Boy Blue -
He needed the money.
Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie
Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye
When her eye was dry and shut
Georgie f@#$ed that one-eyed slut
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
That f@#in' whore.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone
When she bent over,
Her Rover took over
And she got a bone of her own.
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top
Your mother's a whore,
And I ain't your pop.
Three blind mice, see how they run
Where the f#ck are they going?
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his f%#kin' dick.
There was an old lady
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many kids
Her uterus fell out
Patty cake, patty cake,
Baker's man
If your chick's on her period
F@$k her in the can
LENA and OLE in Minniesnowta Ya...
Lena is pregnant with Ole's phild.
Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says,
'I think it's time!'
So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor,
And took her to the hospital to have their first Baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole
And said, 'A son! Ain't that Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor then held up a little girl.. He
said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little thing, too..'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The Doctor then delivered
another boy and said, Ole, You just had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the
self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got three on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember that night we ran out of Vaseline and you went out
in the garage and got that John Deere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.....
It's a damn good thing I didn't get the WD-40!!'
Lena is pregnant with Ole's phild.
Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and says,
'I think it's time!'
So Ole fired up the John Deere tractor,
And took her to the hospital to have their first Baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole
And said, 'A son! Ain't that Great!'
Well, Ole got excited by this, but just then the Doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor then held up a little girl.. He
said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter! She's a pretty little thing, too..'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The Doctor then delivered
another boy and said, Ole, You just had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the
self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got three on the first try?'
Lena said, 'You remember that night we ran out of Vaseline and you went out
in the garage and got that John Deere 3-in-1 Oil?'
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.....
It's a damn good thing I didn't get the WD-40!!'
A door to door salesman walks up to this house and knocks on the door.
This 12 year old boy answers the door with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other.
The door to door salesman says, "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid replies, "Does it fuckin' look like it?"
__________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
__________________________________________________
Yesterday, after considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, scientists suggested that men should reconsider their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
This 12 year old boy answers the door with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other.
The door to door salesman says, "Son, are your parents home?"
The kid replies, "Does it fuckin' look like it?"
__________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
__________________________________________________
Yesterday, after considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, scientists suggested that men should reconsider their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
KeysRider3
New Member
semper fi!
You think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
*
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.* I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.* When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and
asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
*
*
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.* I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.* When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and
asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
*
Oldie...
A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
A guy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
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At the end of each tax year, the IRS office sends an inspector to audit the books
of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do
you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the
bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a freeroll."?
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a
practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases?
What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"? "Ah,
yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with
an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from
the circumcision surgeries?" ?
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they
send us a complete prick."
of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said,?"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do
you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?
"Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the
bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a freeroll."?
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a
practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.?"What about all these plaster purchases?
What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"? "Ah,
yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with
an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from
the circumcision surgeries?" ?
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they
send us a complete prick."
DolphinOne
New Member
Whatcha Got There......
An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy!, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."
An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy!, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."