im using that oneFour guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So . . . . here I am !
[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]
- Thread starter BrueThru
- Start date
danieljardim
New Member
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentine’s Day
What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
And the Oscar goes to.............Prison!
What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
And the Oscar goes to.............Prison!
roundhouse
New Member
i find this tasteless and disgusting and funny. i think i am not right in the head
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.
Three men were in a boat on a lake. Suddenly the first man said, "I've forgotten my lunch," and he got out of the boat and walked across the water and back to the shore. Later the second man said, "I forgot my fishing bait," and he too got out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore.
By this time, the third man thought to himself, "They are not going to outsmart me. I've forgotten my fishing tackle." He got out of the boat and immediately sank.
The other two men stood on the shore and saw what happened. The first man said to the second, "Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"
By this time, the third man thought to himself, "They are not going to outsmart me. I've forgotten my fishing tackle." He got out of the boat and immediately sank.
The other two men stood on the shore and saw what happened. The first man said to the second, "Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
The Russians used a pencil.
okay, that was funny. I found that one outstanding today.
danieljardim
New Member
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at theVatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moansthe driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence..
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "A senator?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Prime Minister?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at theVatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moansthe driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence..
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "A senator?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The Prime Minister?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
YO MOMMA SO FAT JOKES
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! "
Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!
Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"
Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma so fat her waist size is equator!
Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!
Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family.
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat we're in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!"
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said, "STOP THAT TWINKIE!! "
Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!
Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, "HEY, KOOL-AID!"
Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma so fat her waist size is equator!
Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!
Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family.
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat we're in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling, "Free Willy!"
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, "Taxi!"
YO MOMMA SO UGLY JOKES
Yo mamma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with an application
Yo momma so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered elephant
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her
Yo momma so ugly even the elephant man paid to see her
Yo momma so ugly even the tide won't take her out
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone
Yo momma so ugly her dentist treats her by mail-order
Yo momma so ugly her face is closed on weekends
Yo momma so ugly her face was on fire and I had to use a snow shovel to put it out
Yo momma so ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her parents had to feed her with a slingshot
Yo momma so ugly her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel
Yo momma so ugly her pillow cries at night
Yo momma so ugly her shadow gave up
Yo momma so ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats
Yo momma so ugly I can't even make a joke out of it
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound
Yo momma so ugly I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back.
Yo momma so ugly if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away
Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks, she'd have her own projects
Yo momma so ugly if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries
Yo momma so ugly my dog took one look at her and ran away
Yo momma so ugly people at the circus pay money not to see her
Yo momma so ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween
Yo momma so ugly people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen
Yo mamma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with an application
Yo momma so ugly and fat, Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered elephant
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her
Yo momma so ugly even the elephant man paid to see her
Yo momma so ugly even the tide won't take her out
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone
Yo momma so ugly her dentist treats her by mail-order
Yo momma so ugly her face is closed on weekends
Yo momma so ugly her face was on fire and I had to use a snow shovel to put it out
Yo momma so ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her parents had to feed her with a slingshot
Yo momma so ugly her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel
Yo momma so ugly her pillow cries at night
Yo momma so ugly her shadow gave up
Yo momma so ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats
Yo momma so ugly I can't even make a joke out of it
Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound
Yo momma so ugly I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back.
Yo momma so ugly if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away
Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks, she'd have her own projects
Yo momma so ugly if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her picture would be next to it
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she got hit with a hot sack of nickels
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym
Yo momma so ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries
Yo momma so ugly my dog took one look at her and ran away
Yo momma so ugly people at the circus pay money not to see her
Yo momma so ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween
Yo momma so ugly people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen
YO MOMMA SO STUPID JOKES
Yo momma so stupid she studied for a drug test!
Yo momma so stupid, she thought, "Wu Tang" was an African orange drink
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put, "O.K."
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread
Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home
Yo momma so stupid she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was, "Illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice
Yo momma so stupid she asked you, "What is the number for 911?"
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?" she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean
Yo momma so stupid she studied for a drug test!
Yo momma so stupid, she thought, "Wu Tang" was an African orange drink
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put, "O.K."
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread
Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home
Yo momma so stupid she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was, "Illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice
Yo momma so stupid she asked you, "What is the number for 911?"
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?" she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean
YO MOMMA SO OLD JOKES
Yo momma so old, she has Jesus' beeper number
Yo momma so old, her social security number is 1
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma
Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch
Yo momma so old that when she was in school, there was no history class
Yo momma so old, she owes Jesus 3 bucks
Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook
Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper
Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma so old Jurassic Park brought back the memories
Yo momma so old when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma so old when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
Yo momma so old she even made Yoda jealous
Yo momma so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school
Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license
Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment
Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white
Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda
Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block
Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro
Yo momma so old, she has Jesus' beeper number
Yo momma so old, her social security number is 1
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma
Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch
Yo momma so old that when she was in school, there was no history class
Yo momma so old, she owes Jesus 3 bucks
Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook
Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper
Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma so old Jurassic Park brought back the memories
Yo momma so old when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma so old when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
Yo momma so old she even made Yoda jealous
Yo momma so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school
Yo mama's so old, she's got hieroglyphics on her driver's license
Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment
Yo mama's so old, she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white
Yo mama's so old, she used to baby-sit Yoda
Yo mama's so old, she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block
Yo mama's so old, she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro
YO MOMMA SO SHORT JOKES
Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence
Yo momma so short, she models for trophys
Yo Momma so short that she has to hold up a sign that says, "Dont Spit! I Cant Swim!"
Yo mama's so short, she can play handball on the curb
Yo mama's so short, when I was dissin' her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle
Yo mama's so short, she can do push-ups under the door
Yo mama's so short, she does pull-ups on a staple
Yo mama's so short, she can limbo under the door
Yo mama's so short, when she sneezes, she hits her head on the floor
Yo mama's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs
Yo mama's so short, she broke her leg jumping off the toilet
Yo mama's so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet
Yo mama's so short, she can do backflips under the bed
Yo mama's so short, she can hang glide on a Doritos
Yo mama's so short, her homies are the Keebler Elfs
Yo mama's so short, she can surf on a popsicle stick
Yo mama's so short, she can take a bath in a thimble
Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence
Yo momma so short, she models for trophys
Yo Momma so short that she has to hold up a sign that says, "Dont Spit! I Cant Swim!"
Yo mama's so short, she can play handball on the curb
Yo mama's so short, when I was dissin' her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle
Yo mama's so short, she can do push-ups under the door
Yo mama's so short, she does pull-ups on a staple
Yo mama's so short, she can limbo under the door
Yo mama's so short, when she sneezes, she hits her head on the floor
Yo mama's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs
Yo mama's so short, she broke her leg jumping off the toilet
Yo mama's so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet
Yo mama's so short, she can do backflips under the bed
Yo mama's so short, she can hang glide on a Doritos
Yo mama's so short, her homies are the Keebler Elfs
Yo mama's so short, she can surf on a popsicle stick
Yo mama's so short, she can take a bath in a thimble
YO MOMMA SO POOR JOKES
Yo momma so poor, she bounces food stamps
Yo momma so poor, she can't afford to live in a two story Cheerio box
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money
Yo Momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "Moving."
Yo Momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo Momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp
Yo Momma is so poor when she heard about the last supper she thought she had ran out of food stamps
Yo Momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo Momma so poor she drives a peanut
Yo Momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning
Yo Momma so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus
Yo Momma so poor you asked her where the facilities were, and she said, "Pick a corner, any corner."
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet
Yo Momma so poor the building society repossed her cardboard box
Yo Momma so poor she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch
Yo Momma so poor she can't even afford to go to the free clinic
Yo Momma so poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
Yo Momma so poor I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
Yo Momma so poor when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
Yo Momma so poor she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry
Yo Momma so poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"
Yo Momma so poor I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence
Yo Momma so poor when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"
Yo momma so poor I went to the park and stepped on a lit cigarette and she said "Who turned off the heat"
Yo mama's so poor, she can't even put her two cents in this conversation
Yo momma so poor, she bounces food stamps
Yo momma so poor, she can't afford to live in a two story Cheerio box
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money
Yo Momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "Moving."
Yo Momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo Momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp
Yo Momma is so poor when she heard about the last supper she thought she had ran out of food stamps
Yo Momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo Momma so poor she drives a peanut
Yo Momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning
Yo Momma so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus
Yo Momma so poor you asked her where the facilities were, and she said, "Pick a corner, any corner."
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet
Yo Momma so poor the building society repossed her cardboard box
Yo Momma so poor she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch
Yo Momma so poor she can't even afford to go to the free clinic
Yo Momma so poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
Yo Momma so poor I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
Yo Momma so poor when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
Yo Momma so poor she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry
Yo Momma so poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"
Yo Momma so poor I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence
Yo Momma so poor when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"
Yo momma so poor I went to the park and stepped on a lit cigarette and she said "Who turned off the heat"
Yo mama's so poor, she can't even put her two cents in this conversation
YO MOMMA SO HAIRY JOKES
Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama's so hairy, if she could fly she'd look like a magic carpet
Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her
Yo mama' so hairy, when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers
Yo mama's so hairy, when she went to Remington and said "Shave this!" the salesman died laughing
Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock
Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on
Yo mama's so hairy, when I took her to a pet store they locked her in a cage
Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth
Yo mama's so hairy, people run up to her and say "Chewie, can I get your autograph?"
Yo mama's so hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars
Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker
Yo mama's so hairy, she has dreadlocks on her back
Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds
Yo mama's so hairy, if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men
Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama's so hairy, if she could fly she'd look like a magic carpet
Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her
Yo mama' so hairy, when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers
Yo mama's so hairy, when she went to Remington and said "Shave this!" the salesman died laughing
Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock
Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on
Yo mama's so hairy, when I took her to a pet store they locked her in a cage
Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth
Yo mama's so hairy, people run up to her and say "Chewie, can I get your autograph?"
Yo mama's so hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca in Star Wars
Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker
Yo mama's so hairy, she has dreadlocks on her back
Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds
Yo mama's so hairy, if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men
Bert-Aus
Well-Known Member
Two cows. Global update.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch and some wine. Life is good.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch and some wine. Life is good.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
YO MOMMA TEETH JOKES
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs
Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice
Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store
Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green
Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe that shit if you want to."
Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testing butter scotch
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he told her to smile
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybody said "I see the light!"
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it was corn
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in her mouth
Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys
Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth
Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice
Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed it to death
Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them
Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs
Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice
Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store
Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green
Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe that shit if you want to."
Yo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testing butter scotch
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said "Let there be light", he told her to smile
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybody said "I see the light!"
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it was corn
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in her mouth
Yo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys
Yo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth
Yo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice
Yo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed it to death
Yo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them
Yo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says "Next tooth one mile."