[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]

[DolphinOne]

Not Really a Joke............

More like "things that make you go hmmmm....."



-Can you cry under water?

-How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

-Why do you have to "put your two cents in".... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

-Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

-What disease did cured ham actually have?

-How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

-Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

-Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

-Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

-Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

-Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

-Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

-If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

-Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

-If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

-Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

-If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

-If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

-Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

-Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

-Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

-Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

[danieljardim]

The Joke thread.

Hey guys, they have at the diavel forum a joke thread that gets updated almost everyday and very often puts a smile on my face.

I couldn't find a thread like that here so I decided to start one. (mods, if we have one please merge)

No pictures, no videos, just text (this way will always be suitable for work)

I will start posting the last one they posted there, it's not the best gets things rolling....

THE ITALIAN FUNERAL DOG

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[dart1963]

been a while, but it's here... and we added the NSFW warning for those... uhm, interesting jokes

 

[Detrich]

LOL. That was a good one. xP

 

[JSP]

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished 2 see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: "Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that im writing 2 u, i had 2 elope with my new boyfriend because i wanted 2 avoid a scene with u & Dad. I've been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, im pregnant & he said that we will b very happy. He already owns a trailor in the woods & has a stack of firewood 4 the whole winter. He wants 2 have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams 2. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone & we'll b growing it 4 us & trading it with his friends 4 all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science finds a cure 4 AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don't worry Mum, im 15yrs old now & i know how 2 take care of myself. Someday im sure we'll b back 2 visit so u can get 2 know yr grandchildren. Yr daughter, Sophie...


P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors house. I just wanted 2 remind u that there r worse things in life than my report card thats in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe 2 come home.."

 

[cezell09]

Did you know that Hellen Keller had a swing set in her backyard?






Neither did she...

 

[BoneJj]

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished 2 see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: "Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that im writing 2 u, i had 2 elope with my new boyfriend because i wanted 2 avoid a scene with u & Dad. I've been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, im pregnant & he said that we will b very happy. He already owns a trailor in the woods & has a stack of firewood 4 the whole winter. He wants 2 have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams 2. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone & we'll b growing it 4 us & trading it with his friends 4 all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science finds a cure 4 AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don't worry Mum, im 15yrs old now & i know how 2 take care of myself. Someday im sure we'll b back 2 visit so u can get 2 know yr grandchildren. Yr daughter, Sophie...


P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors house. I just wanted 2 remind u that there r worse things in life than my report card thats in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe 2 come home.."

I laughed pretty hard at this....

 

[danieljardim]

After a cruise ship sank in the middle of the ocean, a young man and a woman on a wheel chair were the only survivors castaway on a desert island.

After both settle down around a bone fire they started to chat. After a little while the woman said.

"you know, being on a wheel chair almost my whole life, I never had a chance to date anyone, and actually I never being hugged.

The young man said: No big deal, and gave the woman a long and warm hug.

After a little while the woman said again:

"you know, being on a wheel chair almost my whole life, I never being kissed.

The young man replied: No a problem. He got close to the woman and gave her a long and wet french kiss.

The woman got all excited and and said to the man:

you know, being on a wheel chair almost my whole life, I've never being fucked......

The young man said: Not a problem.

He than grabbed the woman, lifted her out of the wheel chair. Laid her down slowly on the sand. Folded the chair, kicked into the ocean, walked away and said. NOW YOU'RE FUCKED.

 

[Duke]

A guy went to the store to buy some condoms, when the cashier asked.."Do you need a bag?" He just said.. No she isn't that ugly.

This ones messed up...

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

 

[dart1963]

so my kids are at that age... teens and all... I'm pretty open with them... after this joke at the dinner table (playing cards) though... we said.. ok, that's too far... enough of the "jokes"...



What comes after sixty-nine?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

mouthwash...



P.S. I almost spit out my beer, but calmly said... ok, that one's a little too far... don't go around repeating those kinds of jokes...

 

[BoneJj]

so my kids are at that age... teens and all... I'm pretty open with them... after this joke at the dinner table (playing cards) though... we said.. ok, that's too far... enough of the "jokes"...



What comes after sixty-nine?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

mouthwash...



P.S. I almost spit out my beer, but calmly said... ok, that one's a little too far... don't go around repeating those kinds of jokes...

You got to admit though, that's funny.

 

[99vengeur]

No nudity, not even animated. Don't post it again.

Sent from my ADR6300 using Tapatalk 2

 

[dart1963]

To whom are you talking ?

everyone on the forum...

 

[Alex6]

To whom are you talking ?

everyone on the forum...

That is what the :admin:for.

 

[dart1963]

No nudity, not even animated. Don't post it again.

Sent from my ADR6300 using Tapatalk 2

Censoring a simple cartoon on the back of a helmet , very well painted, without a word of explaination to me , and then the above reproach ,like a school teacher talking to a naughty child , a bit much considering some of the content in this thread .

don't take it personally... this was the reason given.... words are one thing, pictures another... people walking by while you are reading the thread would have to stop and read... pictures are instant.

All content on this forum are subject to moderation, all admins have final say in what stays or what goes, members may also flag posts to bring it to admins attention.

This has been addressed before: http://www.600cc.org/forum/f19/what-moderated-forum-27888/

 

[danieljardim]

I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Ireland, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Ireland?"
I can't remember much after that.

 

[JSP]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table

because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians!

Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best,

everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...

Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.

Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

 

[JSP]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

 

[danieljardim]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick

 

[danieljardim]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I' m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires that you let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell ? "

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."