Should I stay or should I go...
- Thread starter r0ar
- Start date
First, sorry to hear your story... Unfortunately, it's become so much simpler for these things to happen (the net, social media, smart phones, etc., being complicit culprits), so you're certainly not alone.
I have a few years on you (quite a few), but it gives me, perhaps, another perspective, and I'm going to add still another controversial, and debatable POV to your situation. It sounds like CC's situation is/was different than yours for a number of reasons. First (and foremost) it *sounds* like CC's fiance's situation may have been virtual only (I could be wrong, this is just what I gleaned from the post). I'm of the opinion that virtual and real life encounters don't share the same degree of "offense." If they did, everyone would be as guilty for just having fantasies.
Additionally, it sounds like CC's girl 'fell off the wagon' just the one time, and displayed an obvious and sincere up-welling of remorse, that stood over time. He did (IMHO) the right thing, letting her back in his life. If anything it strengthened the bond... in his case.
Unfortunately, your wife has shown a pattern. There doesn't seem to be the same level of remorse (or any, for that matter), which indicates it can (and may have) happen a 3rd, 4th, 5th, time. You know where I'm going...
If it were me (and yes, I know it's not), I'd make sure, regardless of the ultimate outcome, that you maintain a great relationship with your daughter... But, as for your wife... well... there's a *huge* plethora of women out there that would give most anything for a partner they can trust, and who values a marriage/relationship/family as much as they do...
You're young, and you're on a totally different page as your wife... Imagine a relationship in which you trusted your girlfriend/spouse, as much as you know they can trust you...
My $.02
P.S. Adultery and abandonment (assuming you have any corroborating texts, docs, etc.) makes the divorce a fete accompli, in your favor...
I have a few years on you (quite a few), but it gives me, perhaps, another perspective, and I'm going to add still another controversial, and debatable POV to your situation. It sounds like CC's situation is/was different than yours for a number of reasons. First (and foremost) it *sounds* like CC's fiance's situation may have been virtual only (I could be wrong, this is just what I gleaned from the post). I'm of the opinion that virtual and real life encounters don't share the same degree of "offense." If they did, everyone would be as guilty for just having fantasies.
Additionally, it sounds like CC's girl 'fell off the wagon' just the one time, and displayed an obvious and sincere up-welling of remorse, that stood over time. He did (IMHO) the right thing, letting her back in his life. If anything it strengthened the bond... in his case.
Unfortunately, your wife has shown a pattern. There doesn't seem to be the same level of remorse (or any, for that matter), which indicates it can (and may have) happen a 3rd, 4th, 5th, time. You know where I'm going...
If it were me (and yes, I know it's not), I'd make sure, regardless of the ultimate outcome, that you maintain a great relationship with your daughter... But, as for your wife... well... there's a *huge* plethora of women out there that would give most anything for a partner they can trust, and who values a marriage/relationship/family as much as they do...
You're young, and you're on a totally different page as your wife... Imagine a relationship in which you trusted your girlfriend/spouse, as much as you know they can trust you...
My $.02
P.S. Adultery and abandonment (assuming you have any corroborating texts, docs, etc.) makes the divorce a fete accompli, in your favor...
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I read the first few post but not all the replies. But from what I can see... she might feel like since you both got together in a early age, she want to explore. Hey, doesn't make her a bad girl! Sit with her and talk together. You guys have a kid and already share a good part of life together. It will be ashamed giving it all up just because... you know.
She doesn't believe it...for whatever reason. It's her job to find out within herself WHY she doesn't believe you...unfortunately she's not doing that, she's just reacting. She's gotta figure that out, and the rest of her shit...regardless... you agreeing even though you know things are COMPLETELY wrong doesn't help your believability because she knows you think otherwise...as shown by her saying you don't mean the things you say or do (which, is true unfortunately when you agree just to agree instead of meaning it). But, she's also unfairly generalizing.Thanks for the advice CC. *Sad to tell you that I've already given that a try. *Have tried to do more things that she suggests, going on trips together, going to watch movies she wants, I make sure to have breakfast ready for her and my lil boy before they wake up (and it's damn good!), forced myself to agree with things she says that I know are COMPLETELY WRONG, etc. *And even with all that, she questions when I tell her that I love her, she says that I don't mean the things I say or DO. *I've told her that if I didn't love her I could have just dumped her when I found out she cheated, but instead am here working my a$$ off at trying to fix things and trying to make HER happy... she still discredits me. *Lack of common sense and social IQ?
I wish an "I Love You" could warm up her heart and make things better, but it doesn't... an "I Love You" is answered with a "Why? *You're just infatuated". *WTF?
Sorry for the :hijack:. *Kind of :deadhorse: when it comes to my relationship. *I'm in the same situation as danieljardim... it's all for my boy.
And no, our conflicts don't interfere with our son, we're civil about it and act kind of like friends with 0 affection towards each other and we don't even fight anymore since we don't care much for one another, but we both give all our love to our lil man.
Main point of my reply: It's always a good thing to keep it civil when there's children involved...but ZERO affection or caring for another shown is not good either. I grew up with that, and it is very hard for me still, even after a huge learning curve, to show my feelings for another, especially in a romantic relationship. My parents were loving towards me, just as you are to your son, but I rarely saw healthy ways to convey love for another in a romantic relationship. I would DO things to show my feelings (just as you do! *and note: when she says she wants to go on trips, see movies, etc...she does, but what she wants more is for you to truly understand her needs from life and what she needs from YOU) and would say I love you, but my boyfriend didn't FEEL it, because I never told him what was going on in my head and how being with him made me feel deep down. I never told him how much I appreciated what he did for me...I thanked him and said I love you of course, but never really explained well enough how much everything he did meant, and how much he meant and how really really awesome he was. I'm sure you're not getting that feedback from her either...you need to tell her how much it means to hear this type of feedback...and you need to give that feedback and convey that you understand it's importance. Communicating like this is very hard at first to do, because you're put in an emotionally vulnerable situation when you lay out everything for someone to see...but that's the kinda stuff that's needed to get through hard shit. But you guys might be beyond that now...if you still fight, means you still care because you're getting hurt...no fighting...ahhh sad panda
So please, please one day, explain to your son (or I hope moreso you find yourself someday soon living and displaying) how people should interact in a relationship when they love someone...I mean the saying "I love you", communicating your feelings and thoughts effectively to the other person even when upset or hurt, comforting them when in distress, respecting their point of view and TELLING them you respect it, telling your appreciation for who they are and what they do, telling them your thoughts, telling and showing empathy for their position, etc. then have "the talk". Jk! But maybe that's not a bad idea...lol.
Sorry for the hijack...just. It's something I think people forget about. It's good to NOT show negativity, but it's also very important TO show positivity and functional behaviour. Meaningful, effective communication is sooooo freakin important! Good luck r0ar, Rookie, and all the others going through things...it's true you have a lot of support here.
End of Hijack!