Should I stay or should I go...

[r0ar]

Hey guys so I was talking to Szajko and FZRBlack in the chat and decided to ask for input on a VERY important part of my life, my marriage. I saw the AMAZING amount of feedback everyone gave CC about his situation and I am asking because well I am also 23 and faced with the exact opposite situation. Now I will give you my side of everything and of course there is two sides to every situation but I will try to just state facts. I'm sure to some the answer would be very easy but sadly the issues I will show where my big problems arise.. and it begins.


So I have been in my current relationship for over 8 years together from a very young age ( she was 14, I was 15.) We had our daughter over 3 and half years ago and Got married almost two years ago (aug 2010) and moved in together a year and a half ago ( Jan 2011) . Yes I know we did everything pretty much in backwards order.

So a quick summary

2004- Got together
2008- Had our Daughter
2010- Got Married
2011- Moved in together


Now we have had small breaks in the relationship where she would seem to break up with me to try to pursue other options I guess for lack of a better term. So flash forward to January, we move in and I got back to work after being out with an injury. I meet a married coworker ( male) and we start becoming friends. Long story short he and my wife were planning a dinner at his house since I suck at picking food lol. Then I notice the increase in texts to her ( should have been a warning i know) which i blew off as them just getting to know each other. Anyways my sister in law was leaving for basic and he came over and gave her a massage before she left ( he use to do massage therapy) I went to bed because I needed to wake up at 4 am for work the next day my brother in law mentions he thinks something seems odd so I start to watch more. I start to notice later texts and even a drunk call to her at like 11 pm to which i make a comment to her and him about how that wont fly. A few weeks pass and he Brothers come over and they are drinking. I hear a text at midnight and finally get fed up with it and go out. I ask her brother to tell me who the text was from and he said "coworkers name" I ask him what they are talking about and he just hands me the phone. To which it is summarized to...

Her: Talking about her new Monroe piercing for a while.
Him: oh that's hot blah blah blah
Her: I bet you want to pounce on me now. ( yes she used the word pounce)
Him: Yes

At this point I send him a text from her phone GOING OFFFF. He tries to call me and instead my brother in law answers and goes off on him. Now flash forward to when she isn't drunk. She says hes tried to get in her pants before and she said no ( to which i thanked her for ) I take it pretty good towards her obviously I'm upset but I don't take it out on her for this situation. So things are ok the next few months I bought her a new car . Then one day lacking trust in her still I did something no one should ever do. I logged in to her Facebook while she was on the other computer and came on to a conversation she was having with a dude she went to school with .Roughly it went like this ( cant find the conversation on this computer sorry)

Him: Can I send you that video now
Her: Not now my husband is home.


So I come out and confront her about it because if you saw the whole conversation you would understand there had to be a previous discussion between them about this. She denies it , I'm like what is he trying to send you ( clearly I already know) shes like nothing bad blah blah blah. So I go back and i send him a message saying hey send it to this email and he does and well we all know what type of videos guys are going to send to girls. So I go off on him. At this point I'm starting to feel a trend happening. But somehow I even get past this one.

Now I've spent a lot of time telling you these stories and why? Well she moved out the end of March because she says we have to many arguments . I being someone who values marriage understand its not something you just jump in and out of. I've talked about trying counseling and she always seems to be like yeah we could but never seems to turn in to anything. I want to keep my marriage even after all this because well I do still love her and I love my daughter. But I guess I just want to see it from the outside in. Should I still try or should I just cut my loses for say.

I am sorry if this seems like a bunch of rambling well because it kinda is, my brain is just running around in circles on this issue. Trust me if I knew what to do I wouldn't have put my marital problems on blast like I just did.I appreciate if you have read through this entire thing and have given the time of your day to help with some input.

 

[Rabbitman109]

You're getting my advice as we speak in chat...

 

[yfz6r]

She is cheating on you. End it. When certain people get drunk, the truth slips sometimes. It's hard with a kid involved but if it happens once you know she is weak and unhappy enough to let it happen again. There are plenty of people in the world. Sorry you had to go through this.

 

[pincushion79]

I agree with what he said above me. If once, sure chalk it up to drunken stupidity. If more than once, she is obviously not devoted to the whole marriage, be with one person the rest of your life thing. Stop the heartache now, and the sooner you will start the healing process. It is sad to see a marriage end, and I am sorry you are going through all of this. But is it better to be in a relationship that trust doesn't exist and all you do all day is hurt? Or move on, and heal and try to be happy again? just my 2 cents.

 

[shocker35]

You are young definately cut your losses while you have the change before she owns you. you have been married for a very short time and being that she has moved out and if you guys own your home she won't get any of it since she left it's considered abandonment. If not then im not sure what its considered. She is definately going to cheat and all your doing by confronting her is teaching her how to be more sly about it all. We all understand that when you love someone its hard to just let go but trust us when we tell you that you are going to end up miserable and losing everything you work for if you dont cut the cord now. If i were you I would print everything you can find and find a divorce attorny. Don't worry about the kid as if you stay and care for the child they will turn out just fine with no daddy issues.

 

[JSP]

Sorry bud. Never a good situation. There is a severe pattern here and for her to MOVE out is a massive wake up call. I feel for you and your child. This is never an easy thing for a kid to go through but yours is young enough where they can get through it easier. A child is also never a reason to stay in a bad relationship. This puts SO much stress on them that will affect them through the rest of their lives. I say bail now man... Nothing good is coming from it. You are both young. Focus on your child and making their life full of happiness instead of this negative back and forth stuff.

 

[leprecaun jon]

im not married.....and im not to much younger than you my self.... i think highly of marriage.... those are vows between the two of you and god.... and to me that is unspeakably covenant. i refuse to accept devorce as a salution but if the two of you arent happy, no matter how much you love your wife.... if there isnt trust..... there is no relationship.....then get out....the longer you let if fester the more the wound will hurt....and just get worse...i cant tell you if shes cheating.... but i can tell you she feels the need for someone other than your self's attention.....some women are just like that...i dont know how els to give you advice....i just hope your wife never does what you did to her and logs into your computer to find this on here.....it will only make her even more pissed.....but im feel proud that our forum is a comfortable place for these kind of threads.

i came from a split family my father was never there... my mother and father were never married.... just be there for your child, that doesn't mean stay in a bad environment..... that means teach them how to live laugh and love.....this kind of relationship only stirs up negative influences on your child.....do whats best for both you and your kid....imo that means GTFO.... specially since she left first.... thats a sign of weakness and that shes not ready to commit to anyone or anything.

 

[Detrich]

Am sorry to hear about this... There is prolly no betrayal more painful then having one's own spouse or significant other cheat on you... .

If marriage counseling, forgiveness, reconciliation, and all else has failed then hopefully, u have a good pre-nup...

If not, then quietly collect and document as much concrete evidence of her infidelity as much as possible. Be nice and don't alarm her. Do not do anything emotional or stupid- ie do not cheat on her to retaliate.

Then, get a good lawyer, and bury her, and make sure she doesn't get squat.

 

[leprecaun jon]

:Im With Stupid:..........

 

[CrazyCawi]

OK bro....this is coming from a guy who went through the same shinanigans....and I chose to stay.

I was with brooke since she was 16 and I was 17. Not many people can do this. And not many can comment on it, as much as everyone here will differ with me, at our age things are a bit different. rOar...I was with Brooke, same thing was happening Id catch her flirting in texts, catch little white lies that drew out jealousy in me, then wonder why the lies or the cover ups? I was hanging out with one of my friends and he got a text message while he was up at the bar getting wings ordered. His phone is on the table. Brooke was at home living with her parents, I was living on my own in town in my own apartment. I was out with my buddy, he gets a text, numbers not programed into the phone. It was from brooke asking if he was alone? I grabbed his phone cuz I didnt give a shit, it was my girl texting him. I said yeah why....she replied Im going to take a shower, and I thought about that talk we had the other day....Beer hit the floor and my buddy had some answering to do.

Long story short....I chalked it up to the fact she never got to grow up or experience anyone else because it was just her and I. She never dated anyone else, I had but she hadnt. After many agruments, nights filled with tears and heartbreak over the lies and stuff....we went our own ways.

I let her go....I spent a solid almost full year putting up with her saying sorry, trying to spend time with me, all while knowing she was out doing her own thing. I pointed it out each time, and how I was not an idiot and wouldn't be taken advantage of. If she wanted to be with me, she needed to grow up, and not just act like it for a week or month.

I cut all contact with her for 2 months, hardest thing I ever did in my life. I spent a lot of nights crying in the shower, or trying to cuddle my dog till I fell asleep. As girly as it sounds, she meant the world to me and it hurt someone could do what was done to me. I started going to the gym, working out 2-3 hours a day to break the stress and to clear my mind, I lost alot of weight and got ripped.

She showed up at my door about 9 months later.....I let her in. We talked.....we hung out for the day and just spent time together like friends. I tested the waters with her and slowly began to let her back into my life with high walls.

Flash forward.....two years later we are engaged. We have a bond of trust that is amazing. I never have any insecurity anymore. She needed to grow up back then, and the only way to do that was to let her go. I didnt want to, but I had to. I trust her with my heart and soul. So in my opinion, let yourselves be seperate for a bit, tell her you guys need the time apart, but for the sake of your daughter, to not do a divorce quite yet. Give it a chance, let her grow up a bit. She hasnt gotten to, and all of her friends have probably had many a weeny in em....and prolly partied plenty. Girls like attention, but it takes time for them to understand what attention is the attention they want and need.

Some never go back from the abyss of weiner.....but others grow up. She may realize you guys are meant for one another but she needed to graze the oats to eliminate the curiousity. She may realise your best meant to be friends and to work things out for your daughters sake. Or she may realise shes in to far and wants to live like a teen hoochie for a while. Either way you have to take care of YOU during this whole thing, and you have to take care of your DAUGHTER.

Never forget that you most of all need to be a PARENT....and so does she...during this whole thing. Its no longer about you, or your wife....its about your daughter.

I gave my relationship time.....things worked out for us....its up to you how you want things to go....you hve to make the tough decisions. Right now she is probably thinking she needs to spread her wings, but you keep trying to hold onto things...its like sand, the harder you grip it the more sand slips through your fingers. Let your grip slip just a little bit and see where things land. Either way.....we ALL are here for you buddy.....no matter what.

 

[RooKie]

END IT NOW! Mang... I'm very sorry to hear this is happening to you. I've gone through the same thing. Was in a 4 year marriage when I found out she was planing to leave me for some guy she was having sexual relations with at her work place. Unfortunately I wasn't able to keep my cool and ended up charged with domestic violence Not my proudest moment.

At the same time I made the 2nd worst mistake of my life... I convinced her to stay with me. I loved her and didn't think I could ever let her go. She stuck around.

It's been almost 3 years since. Nothing is the same. No real affection, the passion is gone, and don't even get me started with sex life. Any "love" I thought I felt for her has been replaced with a feeling of indifference and occasionally disgust. I want her out of my life so badly...

I'm financially stuck with her since I live in a different state that all my family and friends and I can't afford an apartment on my own. On top of that I don't want to leave since we have a child together and I want to be there for him as much as possible.

Don't fall in my position mang... trust me, you're better off w/o her. Get yourself a REAL woman who truly loves you.

Man, I'm depressed now... oh well. Good luck!

 

[CrazyCawi]

END IT NOW! Mang... I'm very sorry to hear this is happening to you. I've gone through the same thing. Was in a 4 year marriage when I found out she was planing to leave me for some guy she was having sexual relations with at her work place. Unfortunately I wasn't able to keep my cool and ended up charged with domestic violence Not my proudest moment.

At the same time I made the 2nd worst mistake of my life... I convinced her to stay with me. I loved her and didn't think I could ever let her go. She stuck around.

It's been almost 3 years since. Nothing is the same. No real affection, the passion is gone, and don't even get me started with sex life. Any "love" I thought I felt for her has been replaced with a feeling of indifference and occasionally disgust. I want her out of my life so badly...

I'm financially stuck with her since I live in a different state that all my family and friends and I can't afford an apartment on my own. On top of that I don't want to leave since we have a child together and I want to be there for him as much as possible.

Don't fall in my position mang... trust me, you're better off w/o her. Get yourself a REAL woman who truly loves you.

Man, I'm depressed now... oh well. Good luck!

not always the case. There is a reason for the lack of passion and sex life and affection. Have you tried to get to the bottom of the feelings? Something is causing the apprehension, either you see her different because of her mistakes and she feels it, or she feels shame for what she did and doesn't feel its been moved past it yet. have you sought professional counseling? It seems much deeper.

 

[SpawnXX]

My 2 cents, end it now while you are both still civil (this will help with you trying to maintain a relationship with your daughter) and while you are young so she doesn't do it herself later and take you for everything you've earned over your lifetime. Not to sound VERY blunt but in this case, it isn't "Cheaper to Keep'er." It's very sad to see things go sour when a child is involved. This is yet another reason why I think couples should live together minimum 1-2 years before having children and tying the knot. Easy for people to choose other partners, sadly kids can't choose other parents.

No matter how it turns out I truly wish you the best my friend.

 

[Tmak73]

It is definitely a tough call. My personal opinion is try all viable options and if none of them work it may be time to call it quits. It takes two people to make a successful relationship work.

If you do decide to leave just make sure if she comes back you are cautious so that she does not try to take advantage of you. I was in a similar situation when I was younger and she tried to keep me on her radar in case she decided she missed me too much.

This decision is up to you so take everything your reading in this thread with a grain of salt. But talking about a situation like this is the best way to work out your thoughts. When and if you try to talk things out make sure you have a list of things you want to talk about so nothing is left out to boil over later. Good luck to you and I hope you find happiness.

 

[RooKie]

not always the case. There is a reason for the lack of passion and sex life and affection. Have you tried to get to the bottom of the feelings? Something is causing the apprehension, either you see her different because of her mistakes and she feels it, or she feels shame for what she did and doesn't feel its been moved past it yet. have you sought professional counseling? It seems much deeper.

You're right, the reason nothing is the way it was is the same reason why she cheated. We simply don't see eye to eye on anything and I honestly don't see any logic to her reasoning so I don't "support her". She also doesn't support me in majority of my choices. Counseling would help if it magically gave her some common sense.

At this point you're probably thinking "wow, Rookie thinks he's all smart n sh*t", but I'll give you an example of the types of things I don't support her in and you tell me if I'm out of line...

-Her: I want to watch G.I. Jane with our son
-Me: I don't think that's a good idea, isn't there parts where they show her about to get raped and naked?
-Her: It's okay, we'll just skip those scenes.
-Me: There's also a lot of cursing and adult language that I don't think is good for a 6yo.
-Her: Hmmp... FINE! What do YOU want to watch!

...c'mon... now she's angry, I'm feeling like a d*ck, no one is happy, not getting any hugs, kisses, or action. FML.

I do agree with you CC that counseling COULD help. I guess you must first find out the root of the problem before you can determine if it's something that can be worked out or if you're in a relationship like mine, where we're completely different people and don't enjoy being around each other.

I'll also like to retract my statement to "END IT NOW!!!" and go with CC on the taking counseling route as your first option.

Once again... very sorry mang, I know it hurts. Be strong and try to stay possitive. If not for you, do it for your lil girl.

 

[ksanbon]

Advice: Read CC's posts over & over.

rOar,

You're trying to make a decision about a situation that you have no control over. The problem is that she's not ready to fulfill her part of the commitment. Considering the circumstances, I'm not surprised because she's being forced to grow up so early in life. She had a baby when she was 18 or 19, an age when most people are starting to enjoy the carefree years of their lives.

I admire your desire to do the right thing, but from what I read, it seems like she needs space. The only thing you can do is to keep a healthy attitude for yourself and your daughter. I'm glad that you still feel love for your wife because of the possibility that she might get it together for things to work out for your family.

Wishing you the best,
keith

 

[danieljardim]

Well, is tough to give advice on somebody else's life because nobody here besides YOU how much you love her and nobody is there too really see with their owns eyes what's going on.

I'm gonna share a little bit of my story. My wife got pregnant about 5 years ago. We were only together for about 2 months but since we had a strong connection we decided to get married a month before my son was born. A year a half later my daughter was born. About 6 months ago we started to have a little rough time (no cheating involved) but for some reason I had no patience with her and every little thing would piss me off and a bunch of stuff that I didn't like on her but I always overlooked started to really bother me. So consequence our sex life decreased and she started thinking that I had an affair. Now trust was gone and I couldnt breath out of my house that she would start asking all kinds of non sense questions and that would of course piss me off.

So we were fighting all the time and we were spending a lot of time only talking to each other the bare minimum. (in one of those fights I bought my bike without telling her and turned into another fight)

I was ready to pull the plug on the divorce but every time i looked a apt on craigslist and I caught myself looking a lawyer # online my eyes were on tears because I realized I CAN NOT leave with my kids. Not right now. They are too little to go through that. My parents got divorced and I was fine but my younger sister went through hell.

So I decided to make things work out. I had to start overlooking a lot of stuff but in my mind I was like (i'm doing this for my kids) and than for the past 2 months things are going really well in my house. I don't know if its gonna be forever (nothing lasts forever) but for now that's what my kids need.

If I were you I would try to see what's going on. Why is she doing that. Maybe you don't know but she feels you dont give her enought attention. Who knows. But if the case is to pull the plug and end the marriage is make sure you guys to the best to keep peace on your daughters life. Dont do anything stupid like fighting in court and stuff like that. You're 2 grown ups and I'm gonna assume you guys are able to talk.

Just my .02. Good luck

 

[CrazyCawi]

You're right, the reason nothing is the way it was is the same reason why she cheated. We simply don't see eye to eye on anything and I honestly don't see any logic to her reasoning so I don't "support her". She also doesn't support me in majority of my choices. Counseling would help if it magically gave her some common sense.

At this point you're probably thinking "wow, Rookie thinks he's all smart n sh*t", but I'll give you an example of the types of things I don't support her in and you tell me if I'm out of line...

-Her: I want to watch G.I. Jane with our son
-Me: I don't think that's a good idea, isn't there parts where they show her about to get raped and naked?
-Her: It's okay, we'll just skip those scenes.
-Me: There's also a lot of cursing and adult language that I don't think is good for a 6yo.
-Her: Hmmp... FINE! What do YOU want to watch!

...c'mon... now she's angry, I'm feeling like a d*ck, no one is happy, not getting any hugs, kisses, or action. FML.

I do agree with you CC that counseling COULD help. I guess you must first find out the root of the problem before you can determine if it's something that can be worked out or if you're in a relationship like mine, where we're completely different people and don't enjoy being around each other.

I'll also like to retract my statement to "END IT NOW!!!" and go with CC on the taking counseling route as your first option.

Once again... very sorry mang, I know it hurts. Be strong and try to stay possitive. If not for you, do it for your lil girl.

I commend your understanding, but I also want to tell you...that "thing" that brough you two together and to become best friends before she cheated....is still there...its just locked away hidden. Do you think things could be different if you went out of your way to show your affection to her, or to understand her side of things? One of our issues was we always were at odds when we argued. She said any time she would explain to try to tell me something that I always had a rebuttle as to why thats misguided, or where she was wrong....never just an okay, I understand where your coming from, or even try to reason with her. So I learned to let her say her feelings, and as much as I disagree with some of them, I let her finish speaking, and say how I feel. If we still dont understand one other and their is tension in the air I always say "This is silly hun, we both disagree but really it doesnt matter in the end of it all. Gosh were dorks" and at that point shes like yea that was kinda silly and we move on and keep loving one another. Every day I wake up happy to have her in my life, ever night I go to bed happy I have her in my life. She does the same, and she expresses it as well, tenfold.

Until you reach the same level...together, and prove to one another you have turned a new leaf....you wont get lucky, there WILL be angst, and you will hate to see one another.

But try it...just once....go home, dont be your normal self, walk up, kiss her, and tell her you love her. If you cant...force yourself to. Step out of your box, and make her realise you still love her no matter what. If you love her make it happen, if you wait for it to happen you dry out and everything crumbles. I shit you not....just try it.....she will wonder wtf is up with you.....do it again tomorrow....and she quits thinking about the possibility out there and starts to look at what shes invested.....then she starts to reflect on how good she actually had it....and starts to return those feelings. Then the fire burns bright....and your passion is there.

Just think about it...you both go home but dont want to see one another....because your afraid of the next fight, or afraid of what he/she is thinking, trying to stay oblivious for your own sanity....and you tell yourself this to protect yourself. When the solution is right infront of you. Create an inviting situation. 99% of women arent porn stars that was a buncha bump'n grinders. The reason most women resort to sex is because by using it that gains the attention they arent getting. whether thats she didnt get to have her wild side, she didnt get to drink, she didnt get to party, she only has been with you, ect. The news flash for her is that she see's her friends do it, or tv, or she just flat out desires to cure that urge....and thats the only way to get most mens attention easily. Deep down she regrets what she did, she may never admit it, or she may flat out tell you shes sincearly sorry. The point of this is....something is missing for her.....and its up to you to show her why that part thats missing is actually with you. Dont buy her love, because thats temporary. Show her your love for her, she will come around I promise you. The reason 99% of the time when someone cheats the relationship ends......is because we instantley jump to the "ive been wronged" how could they attitude, or people blame themselves.

In reality what needs to be done, is you need to analyze what their reasoning was. Not just the surface feeling of it.....but deep down why she did it. If it was for attention, well was she trying to get your attention in a negative way because shes not getting attention because your to busy with work or school or kids? Maybe she needed a break from reality and did it because every day is mundane, doing the same thing over and over without change....thats the definition of insanity you know? Maybe sex isnt the same because its always the same positions or something and shes not having her desire fulfilled. There are so many reasons, but its up to you, and communication to find out why. How much do you love her? Communicate.... don't separate.

 

[danieljardim]

You're right, the reason nothing is the way it was is the same reason why she cheated. We simply don't see eye to eye on anything and I honestly don't see any logic to her reasoning so I don't "support her". She also doesn't support me in majority of my choices. Counseling would help if it magically gave her some common sense.

At this point you're probably thinking "wow, Rookie thinks he's all smart n sh*t", but I'll give you an example of the types of things I don't support her in and you tell me if I'm out of line...

-Her: I want to watch G.I. Jane with our son
-Me: I don't think that's a good idea, isn't there parts where they show her about to get raped and naked?
-Her: It's okay, we'll just skip those scenes.
-Me: There's also a lot of cursing and adult language that I don't think is good for a 6yo.
-Her: Hmmp... FINE! What do YOU want to watch!

...c'mon... now she's angry, I'm feeling like a d*ck, no one is happy, not getting any hugs, kisses, or action. FML.

I do agree with you CC that counseling COULD help. I guess you must first find out the root of the problem before you can determine if it's something that can be worked out or if you're in a relationship like mine, where we're completely different people and don't enjoy being around each other.

I'll also like to retract my statement to "END IT NOW!!!" and go with CC on the taking counseling route as your first option.

Once again... very sorry mang, I know it hurts. Be strong and try to stay possitive. If not for you, do it for your lil girl.

Reading this you just described the past six months of my life, but for the sake of my kids I'm trying to turn this around.

 

[CrazyCawi]

Reading this you just described the past six months of my life, but for the sake of my kids I'm trying to turn this around.

there is alot of advice here....self reflect and Im sure you can find in your heart the right path to take, that will ease some of these issues. it may not be easy but if you can be persistent and show your love/care for your current wife beyond the temporary issues....things will get better, you just have to show her things can be, because right now your a king in checkmate, and shes the queen trapped in a corner