haha ya good call.... ride the lawnmower broski thats some goood thinking time haha lol
Should I stay or should I go...
- Thread starter r0ar
- Start date
The following in my opinon, based on my own experiences...
I would very much like to agree with the above statement. Dart is right on the money.
I'm in my mid-forties, now and very much remember the horror that was my parent's marriage. I wish they had divorced, everyday was a new adventure in arguments, hollering, yelling and just general emotional trauma. Nobody was happy, my sister and I were always waiting for the "next shoe to drop". I was told many years later that my parents stayed together for "the sake of the kids"
After watching what was displayed to me as "marriage", I wanted no part of it and never got married, never will.
Just my two cents...
DakinechicK
Active Member
I feel like I should post in this thread from a chicks stand point.
Hmm, where shall I begin....
People cheat in general, not always because they are missing something at home, but because they "fall" for someone new and what they think that new someone could provide them. It's a new feeling. It's exciting. Their wife or husband could be giving them all that they need at home, but this new person is different, a new kind of fun, the first time butterflies are a great feeling, etc.
AND, because they just don't want to be with you. Sucks I know...
Now, please understand what I'm saying... NOT EVERYONE cheats!! BUT, a girl (myself included) who is just out of HS or college WANTS to experience life. If they don't get that, they will regret it and resent you for the rest of your lives. Here is an example....
When I was 19 I hadn't gone to college. I hadn't partied or went to the clubs. I never got drunk. I never tried drugs - not saying that's a good thing but anyway, I hadn't experienced ANYTHING that a lot of people had by the time they were 22. I never even had had a real bf and I hadn't.... get this, ever had sex. I then met a guy who supposedly fell in love with me very quickly and beings that I had never heard those words from a guy or had been given the affection that he was giving me, I fell for it. A couple years later I HATED HIM!! I resented him!! I felt like, because I gave myself all to him that I missed out on EVERYTHING!! So I left him, and thank GOD... he was a tool-but that's a different story all together. I then did all the things I felt I missed out on. I partied like crazy. I had sex with A LOT of guys. Had a ton of boyfriends through the next couple of years. ETC. When I met my husband to be I was over all of that and I realized I was ready to give myself to him fully and I haven't regretted it! He is my best friend and we have a blast together!! I feel like if I hadn't experienced all those other things I may have resented him too.
It's all about timing. If my husband now had been that first guy, I guarantee you I wouldn't be with him, and that makes me sad to think about. A little scary too. That's why I think GOD brought him into my life when he did. It was the perfect time.
Now, I have to disagree with some of you guys saying to try and make it work. Sorry! Counseling doesn't help UNLESS you both WANT to make the marriage work and you WANT to BOTH go to counseling. If one doesn't, it's not worth it. It will NOT help. When a girl makes a decision in her mind, it's made up. It seems to me she is DONE. Women don't "cheat" or hide things multiple times if they want to stay together. And, they don't move out! Sure, in 2 years she might come crawling back if she is having a hard time with other guys etc and she feels comfortable with you. That's all it is... comfort. She hasn't really changed her mind. She hasn't fallen in love with you again. It's a comfort thing. You KNOW each other. It's safe. (Except in CC's case but that is so rare, I'd say its less than a percent that that ever works out the way it did for him).
If I made up my mind to leave... it would present itself the same as it is for all these women who are with you guys. I would feel bad and not want to hurt his feelings so I may go to counseling if he asked but my heart wouldn't be in it and I would find what I wanted somewhere else eventually. I would be angry and not talkative to him at all. Arguments would start for no other reason than he was just getting on my nerves.
Now, I believe in marriage. I believe in mine. I believe in certain peoples marriages when I see them.... I can just tell. YOU guys' marriages are SO unhealthy and NOT worth saving. Did you know that you can be happy?! You are allowed that! There are women willing to give their everything to you, believe in you, trust you, and love you more than anything in this world. Is your current wife giving you that? If your answer is no, then it is time to take that step and move forward. SURE you will have arguments and have to compromise A LOT when married... that's a given. But, if you don't look at your wife and think, "I am so lucky! This girl loves me so much and I am honored and happy she is my wife - for the most part" you are in the wrong relationship. I guarantee you, people who are happy in their relationship, even if 10, 15, 30 years into it.... they will tell you, "Yeah I'm lucky to have her/him, even through the rough times". Someone that belittles their wife or husband to their face or behind their back constantly complaining to friends is not someone who is happy and wanting to make it work.
You don't want to despise your wife any more than you guys do. Do you think you deserve to be treated like cr*p? Is there someone telling you, "that's just how it is and how it should be?" WRONG!!!!! It's not how it should be! Why would or should you put up with someone talking down to you or starting fights just to start them? That is NOT a good marriage! That is NOT two people who are happy to have each other and be with each other! A woman who starts a fight for no reason or avoids you on purpose is not worth making an effort for. Someone who has already moved out is not worth making an effort for. Shall I go on with things not worth making an effort on your woman for??? I could list A LOT more!
So you have kids. I can't tell you HOW many kids I know from the skate park and such that go skate all the time to get AWAY from their parents fighting. I know SO many of them who cry to me and ask why their parents can't get divorced because it would be SO much better. Then there are the other kids who's parent's have divorced and are both remarried and the kids are SO happy!! Believe me, don't stay in it for the kids. THEY will resent you later in life for not doing what was best for the two of you!! BELIEVE ME! I see it day in and day out!!
I can tell you if ANY guy cheated on me, even the one I love with all my heart, I would be gone in a second! I don't believe in a second chance with something like that. Why? Because if they were willing to do it to me once KNOWING how much it would hurt me, they obviously never cared enough about me to go through with it. I do NOT want someone like that in my life. Period. I'm a freaking catch and if that guy can't see that, then some other guy will. And, will appreciate me enough NOT to even consider being with another girl based on the fact that I'm everything they want.
I wish you guys could see and stop making excuses to stay with this certain someone. DON'T stay in any relationship where you are getting by day by day just because. You will NOT be healthy. You will be miserable and that is not a way to live your life!!! I don't know about you, but I LOVE being happy! I LOVE having someone who loves me so much it's disgusting. I LOVE knowing that he isn't with me just because it's comfortable or because it's what he knows. If that was the case, I would MAKE him leave me! I LOVE knowing that he is with me because he WANTS to be. The best feeling I've ever known is when he tells me how proud of me he is.
YOU GUYS DESERVE what I have.... and I can tell you over and over and over again that it is out there! My parents are proof. My husbands parents are proof. I have many friends who are proof. Please wake up and stop being unhappy! I guarantee there are other people on this site, who even after years and years of marriage would tell you they are still happy with their wife/husband. Do you somehow/some way resent your wife? Are you disgusted with things that she does? Do you feel like you can't EVER win? Are you not compromising when you need to? Are you just unhappy when you are with her? Get out. If you have to MAKE it work, it's done. Nothing can save the relationship. Sorry.
OH my GOSH, I'm so sorry this was so long!!! :surrender:
Hmm, where shall I begin....
People cheat in general, not always because they are missing something at home, but because they "fall" for someone new and what they think that new someone could provide them. It's a new feeling. It's exciting. Their wife or husband could be giving them all that they need at home, but this new person is different, a new kind of fun, the first time butterflies are a great feeling, etc.
AND, because they just don't want to be with you. Sucks I know...
Now, please understand what I'm saying... NOT EVERYONE cheats!! BUT, a girl (myself included) who is just out of HS or college WANTS to experience life. If they don't get that, they will regret it and resent you for the rest of your lives. Here is an example....
When I was 19 I hadn't gone to college. I hadn't partied or went to the clubs. I never got drunk. I never tried drugs - not saying that's a good thing but anyway, I hadn't experienced ANYTHING that a lot of people had by the time they were 22. I never even had had a real bf and I hadn't.... get this, ever had sex. I then met a guy who supposedly fell in love with me very quickly and beings that I had never heard those words from a guy or had been given the affection that he was giving me, I fell for it. A couple years later I HATED HIM!! I resented him!! I felt like, because I gave myself all to him that I missed out on EVERYTHING!! So I left him, and thank GOD... he was a tool-but that's a different story all together. I then did all the things I felt I missed out on. I partied like crazy. I had sex with A LOT of guys. Had a ton of boyfriends through the next couple of years. ETC. When I met my husband to be I was over all of that and I realized I was ready to give myself to him fully and I haven't regretted it! He is my best friend and we have a blast together!! I feel like if I hadn't experienced all those other things I may have resented him too.
It's all about timing. If my husband now had been that first guy, I guarantee you I wouldn't be with him, and that makes me sad to think about. A little scary too. That's why I think GOD brought him into my life when he did. It was the perfect time.
Now, I have to disagree with some of you guys saying to try and make it work. Sorry! Counseling doesn't help UNLESS you both WANT to make the marriage work and you WANT to BOTH go to counseling. If one doesn't, it's not worth it. It will NOT help. When a girl makes a decision in her mind, it's made up. It seems to me she is DONE. Women don't "cheat" or hide things multiple times if they want to stay together. And, they don't move out! Sure, in 2 years she might come crawling back if she is having a hard time with other guys etc and she feels comfortable with you. That's all it is... comfort. She hasn't really changed her mind. She hasn't fallen in love with you again. It's a comfort thing. You KNOW each other. It's safe. (Except in CC's case but that is so rare, I'd say its less than a percent that that ever works out the way it did for him).
If I made up my mind to leave... it would present itself the same as it is for all these women who are with you guys. I would feel bad and not want to hurt his feelings so I may go to counseling if he asked but my heart wouldn't be in it and I would find what I wanted somewhere else eventually. I would be angry and not talkative to him at all. Arguments would start for no other reason than he was just getting on my nerves.
Now, I believe in marriage. I believe in mine. I believe in certain peoples marriages when I see them.... I can just tell. YOU guys' marriages are SO unhealthy and NOT worth saving. Did you know that you can be happy?! You are allowed that! There are women willing to give their everything to you, believe in you, trust you, and love you more than anything in this world. Is your current wife giving you that? If your answer is no, then it is time to take that step and move forward. SURE you will have arguments and have to compromise A LOT when married... that's a given. But, if you don't look at your wife and think, "I am so lucky! This girl loves me so much and I am honored and happy she is my wife - for the most part" you are in the wrong relationship. I guarantee you, people who are happy in their relationship, even if 10, 15, 30 years into it.... they will tell you, "Yeah I'm lucky to have her/him, even through the rough times". Someone that belittles their wife or husband to their face or behind their back constantly complaining to friends is not someone who is happy and wanting to make it work.
You don't want to despise your wife any more than you guys do. Do you think you deserve to be treated like cr*p? Is there someone telling you, "that's just how it is and how it should be?" WRONG!!!!! It's not how it should be! Why would or should you put up with someone talking down to you or starting fights just to start them? That is NOT a good marriage! That is NOT two people who are happy to have each other and be with each other! A woman who starts a fight for no reason or avoids you on purpose is not worth making an effort for. Someone who has already moved out is not worth making an effort for. Shall I go on with things not worth making an effort on your woman for??? I could list A LOT more!
So you have kids. I can't tell you HOW many kids I know from the skate park and such that go skate all the time to get AWAY from their parents fighting. I know SO many of them who cry to me and ask why their parents can't get divorced because it would be SO much better. Then there are the other kids who's parent's have divorced and are both remarried and the kids are SO happy!! Believe me, don't stay in it for the kids. THEY will resent you later in life for not doing what was best for the two of you!! BELIEVE ME! I see it day in and day out!!
I can tell you if ANY guy cheated on me, even the one I love with all my heart, I would be gone in a second! I don't believe in a second chance with something like that. Why? Because if they were willing to do it to me once KNOWING how much it would hurt me, they obviously never cared enough about me to go through with it. I do NOT want someone like that in my life. Period. I'm a freaking catch and if that guy can't see that, then some other guy will. And, will appreciate me enough NOT to even consider being with another girl based on the fact that I'm everything they want.
I wish you guys could see and stop making excuses to stay with this certain someone. DON'T stay in any relationship where you are getting by day by day just because. You will NOT be healthy. You will be miserable and that is not a way to live your life!!! I don't know about you, but I LOVE being happy! I LOVE having someone who loves me so much it's disgusting. I LOVE knowing that he isn't with me just because it's comfortable or because it's what he knows. If that was the case, I would MAKE him leave me! I LOVE knowing that he is with me because he WANTS to be. The best feeling I've ever known is when he tells me how proud of me he is.
YOU GUYS DESERVE what I have.... and I can tell you over and over and over again that it is out there! My parents are proof. My husbands parents are proof. I have many friends who are proof. Please wake up and stop being unhappy! I guarantee there are other people on this site, who even after years and years of marriage would tell you they are still happy with their wife/husband. Do you somehow/some way resent your wife? Are you disgusted with things that she does? Do you feel like you can't EVER win? Are you not compromising when you need to? Are you just unhappy when you are with her? Get out. If you have to MAKE it work, it's done. Nothing can save the relationship. Sorry.
OH my GOSH, I'm so sorry this was so long!!! :surrender:
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Lots of thoughts and opinions here...truth be told you have to make the decision, and no one here truelly knows your situation!
That being said I can see CC's points and agree with them....
However when I was younger I formed serveral opinions (aka moral guidlines for my self)
1. Don't f^%$ with another mans woman, house, car, money, family, etc....
2. If as a couple you break up...then you are an "X"....
3. If you become an "X" once you are forever..... I won't go back ever! There is a reason your an "X"!
Now I will probably get flamed for this but I have learned to control my anger to a degree and know what I need to cool down and talk civil.
I am not a big fan of shrinks or counselors... but they may help some people....
So I would say do what you feel you need and want to....but think first!
Keep in mind this little tidbit is coming from a guy who's longest relationship was 1.5 years and is currently single!
That being said I can see CC's points and agree with them....
However when I was younger I formed serveral opinions (aka moral guidlines for my self)
1. Don't f^%$ with another mans woman, house, car, money, family, etc....
2. If as a couple you break up...then you are an "X"....
3. If you become an "X" once you are forever..... I won't go back ever! There is a reason your an "X"!
Now I will probably get flamed for this but I have learned to control my anger to a degree and know what I need to cool down and talk civil.
I am not a big fan of shrinks or counselors... but they may help some people....
So I would say do what you feel you need and want to....but think first!
Keep in mind this little tidbit is coming from a guy who's longest relationship was 1.5 years and is currently single!
I cant say anything that hasnt already been said.
But WOW Dakine, thats the longest response iv seen from you this year.Keep them coming, I like reading the heartfelt stuff the most
But WOW Dakine, thats the longest response iv seen from you this year.Keep them coming, I like reading the heartfelt stuff the most
DakinechicK
Active Member
EEK! I'm sorry!!
It wouldn't sound as long if I were just speaking it and not writing it.
My first wife cheated. We tried to make it work. Finally, it just wasn't worth it. Second marraige a billion times better than the first overall.
This isn't going to end well for you. She's not even trying to keep her cheating from you. It's a clear signal. It's over. move on.
The bottom line is, if someone wants to cheat, and yet protect their marriage and not hurt their partner, you will never know about it. Some people just need more than their marriage offers, but they still value their marriage and their spouse. These people can rather easily keep their affairs private and you will never be the wiser. This is not your wife. She is making virtually no effort to protect you or the marriage. She's essentially flaunting it in your face. She's telling you it's over, but she just can't say it.
Make the decision for you both. That's my opinion.
This isn't going to end well for you. She's not even trying to keep her cheating from you. It's a clear signal. It's over. move on.
The bottom line is, if someone wants to cheat, and yet protect their marriage and not hurt their partner, you will never know about it. Some people just need more than their marriage offers, but they still value their marriage and their spouse. These people can rather easily keep their affairs private and you will never be the wiser. This is not your wife. She is making virtually no effort to protect you or the marriage. She's essentially flaunting it in your face. She's telling you it's over, but she just can't say it.
Make the decision for you both. That's my opinion.
DakinechicK
Active Member
This makes me sad.
If someone is willing to have an affair then they do NOT value their marriage or their spouse. AT ALL.No I enjoyed it, dont be sorry.EEK! I'm sorry!!
It wouldn't sound as long if I were just speaking it and not writing it.
I was askin for more in the future lol
KeysRider3
New Member
Since she's looking to more than one source for signs she's attractive, interesting, desirable it seems like she's questioning herself more than her relationship with you. Unfortunately, it may take some time - and bad experience - for her to get her life together, and she may decide she can't come back because she understands and feels so guilty about what she's done. The bottom line is you have to think of yourself first, and your child second. I say you first because if you don't you won't be able to take care of your child, or whatever is going to happen between you and your lady.
RooKie
New Member
Language is a bit strong, but it's good advice.
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[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-90O6otfxA&feature=plcp"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-90O6otfxA[/ame]
I'm a single dad. It didn't start out that way. When my son was two, I came home from work (I worked A LOT) and there was note on the table and she was gone. Just like that.
I just deleted eight paragraphs of my life story, that I'd written, because it's not really pertinent.
What matters is that my son is now eleven, and he's an awesome kid. Without his mother. She doesn't really care, doesn't even call for holidays or birthdays.
I had to leave a good job in Virginia Beach, and move back to Podunk, SC to get some help from family, raising my child. I've now got a shit job, at the edge of civilization, and it sucks.
But the basics of life are taken care of. I've saved my mother's life twice in the past two weeks (from choking - another story). She's supporting my son in the Scouts, and it's done so much for him, that it would honestly be difficult to explain.
The moral to this story? We're better off without the selfish, self centered bitch that happened to mother my wonderful child. I hope to eventually meet another woman that I'm attracted to, and can trust and love. But if I don't then F**K it. The really important things are being taken care of.
I'm not going to tell you to move on. I'm not going to tell you to stay. I'm not afraid to make my opinion's known, but I can't give you one here. I can only tell you of my experience, in the hopes that it helps you make your own, personal decision.
Whatever you decide, I wish you and your child the absolute best.
DakinechicK
Active Member
Buzzbomb..... You sound like a wonderful father! Your boy is a lucky one!
And yes, I got that impression of you from just your last post.
Good luck in all that you do. You deserve it!!
And yes, I got that impression of you from just your last post.
Good luck in all that you do. You deserve it!!
lol, those guys are nuts!
Im gonna have to agree with CC on this one. Its gonna be hard to watch/listen to what ur wife is doing but u gotta remember that SHE left. Assuming that u have ur daughter, just think to urself when ur tucking her in at night that U R A MAN and what she is chasing is a boy. Give it some time and she might regret what she did or u will realize that its over and time to move on. Then u can file those papers.
Right now though u need to be there for ur daughter. I beg u, as mad as u might be, DON'T ever talk bad about ur wife to ur daughter! This could possibly damage her or bite u in the ass some how. If ur wife is out partying or whatever she will eventually start breaking promises she has made to her daughter. This is when ur daughter will need u the most.
As I started reading this thread I was waiting to read atleast one asshole reply but not a single one! It makes me sick to my stomach that some people get off by kicking people when they r down. Reading comments to new members about how great this forum is, is an understatement. May sound corny but this forum is a family or brotherhood. Whatever term u wanna use.
I wish u the best and hope everything works out for u
Right now though u need to be there for ur daughter. I beg u, as mad as u might be, DON'T ever talk bad about ur wife to ur daughter! This could possibly damage her or bite u in the ass some how. If ur wife is out partying or whatever she will eventually start breaking promises she has made to her daughter. This is when ur daughter will need u the most.
As I started reading this thread I was waiting to read atleast one asshole reply but not a single one! It makes me sick to my stomach that some people get off by kicking people when they r down. Reading comments to new members about how great this forum is, is an understatement. May sound corny but this forum is a family or brotherhood. Whatever term u wanna use.
I wish u the best and hope everything works out for u
danieljardim
New Member
yOU'RE KILLING ME. This post is making me re think my hole life.
DakinechicK
Active Member
LoL. :thumbup:
Sharing my opinion on the posts upthead, here...
If I'm in a relationship and it stops being "fun", I'm out... If she cheats on me, I'm really out!!
My dad gave me very little advice when it came to women, but the one thing he told me when I would complain about someone I was dating or living with was...
"Son, if you miss the bus, relax... another one will be by in 10 minutes"
Which I took to mean that there are "plenty of fish in the sea" and not to worry about losing a woman, because another woman will enter your life.
I've very much enjoyed being single all my life, dating around, meeting new people, hearing new stories, experiencing new adventures, etc. etc.
Life is too short to be miserable and in a bad relationship with a cheating spouse that treats you poorly. (JMO)
There is someone out there that will be true to you, treat you with dignity, respect being in a relationship with you, and genuinely enjoy you, for you.
All the best....
If I'm in a relationship and it stops being "fun", I'm out... If she cheats on me, I'm really out!!
My dad gave me very little advice when it came to women, but the one thing he told me when I would complain about someone I was dating or living with was...
"Son, if you miss the bus, relax... another one will be by in 10 minutes"
Which I took to mean that there are "plenty of fish in the sea" and not to worry about losing a woman, because another woman will enter your life.
I've very much enjoyed being single all my life, dating around, meeting new people, hearing new stories, experiencing new adventures, etc. etc.
Life is too short to be miserable and in a bad relationship with a cheating spouse that treats you poorly. (JMO)
There is someone out there that will be true to you, treat you with dignity, respect being in a relationship with you, and genuinely enjoy you, for you.
All the best....