[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]

[Bert-Aus]

The haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'Icannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

[Detrich]

LOL... So true...

 

[JSP]

An avid outdoorsman and 4x4 enthusiast, Matt decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his gear ready for an upcoming hunting trip. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, four wheeling and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat and that old Land Cruiser."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."

 

[BbyDenns]

Christmas Songs anyone?

Dashing through the snow
in my rusty chevrolet
down the road i go
sliding all the way
i need new piston rings
i need some new snow tires
my car is held together
by a piece of chicken wire

chorus:
Rust and smoke the heater's broke
the door just blew away
i light a match to see the dash
and then i start to pray
the frame is bent the muffler went
the radio's ok
oh what fun it is to drive
this rusty chevrolet

2. I went to the iga
to get some christmas cheer
i just passed up my left front tire
and its getting hard to steer
skidding down the highway
right past the county cops
i had to drag my swampers
just to get the car to stop

(repeat chorus)

3. Bouncing through the snowdrifts
in a big blue cloud of smoke
people laugh as i drive by
i wonder what's the joke
i have to get to k-mart
to pick up my layaway
cause santa's coming soon
in his big old rusty sleigh

(repeat chorus)

 

[Blueraven]

I have not heard that song in forever. That is incredible

 

[JT]

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The old lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."

 

[dart1963]

so... wife and I usually plan out our dinners... with hectic schedules, we both cook... some nights.. it's just a free-for-all, kids can make whatever they want, we all fix our own.... with that out the way... random "Funny" thought for the day:


Wife: "It's an eat what you want for dinner night"
Me: "When r u home? lolololol"


edit:
Wife: "Maybe Sunday"


:facepalm:

 

[Botty12]

so... wife and I usually plan out our dinners... with hectic schedules, we both cook... some nights.. it's just a free-for-all, kids can make whatever they want, we all fix our own.... with that out the way... random "Funny" thought for the day:


Wife: "It's an eat what you want for dinner night"
Me: "When r u home? lolololol"


edit:
Wife: "Maybe Sunday"


:facepalm:

un.frickin.real.

 

[danieljardim]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Kathleen, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Kathleen replied, "Well Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Gerry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Gerry asked,

"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Gerry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," said Kathleen. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?

 

[Uno979]

Excuse me Nurse? I have a Question..

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir: they look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

:wreck:

 

[MrGti]

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside some one's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 wish for myself.
...
Tom: I want a billion dollars!

Wife: I want a house in every country of the world. ??

Genie: Done. Done.

Tom : And what is your wish genie?

Genie: Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.

Tom said: Emm Ok! You're getting us a lot of money. I guess I don't mind. ??

The genie took the wife upstairs and had sex with her for two hours.

After it was over he asked her: How old is your husband?

Wife answers: 35.

Genie: Really? And he still believes in genie's

 

[yfz6r]

> A married man was having an affair
> with his secretary.
>
> One day they went to her place
> and made love all afternoon.
>
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
> and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes
> Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
> 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
>
> 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
>
> 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon.'
>
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
>
> 'You lying bastard!
> You've been playing golf!'

 

[yfz6r]

> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
>
> 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
>
> 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> 'How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?'
>
> 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
>
> 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
> 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
>
> The bartender replied:
> 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
>
> The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
>
> The bartender replied:
> 'The same thing I'm doing
> to his business down here.'

 

[yfz6r]

> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly:
> 'I have something I must confess.'
>
> 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
>
> 'No,' he insisted,
> 'I want to die in peace.
> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> her best friend, and your mother!'
>
> 'I know,' she replied.
> 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[yfz6r]

Awesome People and Amazing Animals - YouTube

 

[danieljardim]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

 

[Bert-Aus]

End of the world

Scientists have predicted that the greatest disaster which can befall mankind will be when the company making venetian blinds goes out of business.

Then it will be curtains for everybody

 

[Bert-Aus]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

 

[Bert-Aus]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther,
"That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?,"
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

 

[JSP]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !