[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]

[Bert-Aus]

Hot off the press!

Finally the book has Arrived !!!
Thought you should know that the book,

"Understanding Women"

is finally out in paperback......

 

[Bert-Aus]

Three Little Pigs (apologies if you have read this before)

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to
Gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full

Of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
Build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man

Said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, **** me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Bert-Aus]

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman,
so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
~~~~~

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
While taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

 

[Bert-Aus]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.

After a number of times of this happening, the teacher became increasingly worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive shiner again.

"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"

He turns to explain: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving {you know} at the same time. Mom was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place while squealing like a demented hyena on the bed".... Then my father asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

"They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said 'Wait for me..."

 

[buzzbomb]

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

That one. NOT funny. All too true, but NOT funny! The worst is when your holding them. No, even worse: When you're wearing them!

I hate mornings...

 

[Bert-Aus]

Don't fart In Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops'
and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around,
her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident',
she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it -
you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

[JT]

Finally the book has Arrived !!!
Thought you should know that the book,

"Understanding Women"

is finally out in paperback......

Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women
Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women - YouTube

 

[dart1963]

That one. NOT funny. All too true, but NOT funny! The worst is when your holding them. No, even worse: When you're wearing them!

I hate mornings...

can't count how many times I've had my car keys in my hand in the morning... frantically searching all over for them... :wtfgun:

 

[Bert-Aus]

can't count how many times I've had my car keys in my hand in the morning... frantically searching all over for them... :wtfgun:

I can remember having a panic attack because I'd lost my wallet
-Yep was just in a jacket pocket instead of jeans

Sent from my LT18i using Tapatalk 2

 

[dart1963]

IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

 

[leem00]

IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

How fitting now that I am dealing with the OHIO BMV.

 

[JT]

IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

now that's a good one!

 

[leem00]

http://www.maniacworld.com/flv/Hillary-Clinton-Talks-About-Her-Concussion.mp4

 

[JBAX]

Q: How come there are so few Irish Lawyers in the World??

A: Because NONE of them can pass a BAR.

(before you slam me, I am from Irish heritage)

 

[leem00]

6414.1



The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show

-- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls......

 

[Bert-Aus]

Chewing Gum

(this came via my flag waving cousin...so excuse the international rivalry)

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American,
who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,
You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble.
'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.'

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted,
'D'ya eat jam with your bread?'
Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,
'we don't in the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked,
'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked,
'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

 

[Bert-Aus]

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water.
It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath,
when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand,
and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle,
so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.

BUT this was no ordinary Genie.
This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab.
'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute,
and decided that the genie was right.
'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis
he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine
and platters of delicacies.


'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare old coins and precious gems.


'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish.
Best you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says,
'I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.



THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie,
there's going to be a string attached.

 

[lytehouse]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there.

We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer asked, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman shouted back, "A Chihuahua!?” They gave me a f*****g Chihuahua !!!!

 

[leem00]

Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...................

 

[Bert-Aus]

Christmas health and safety memo

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh,
going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.
The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only
and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut,
all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that
all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB
and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicized case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient,
everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered.
This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.



Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed,
Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.


Wishing you a very Merry Christmas! Be safe out there.......