Not Safe For Work
[NSFW] This is a bar. Tell me a joke. [NSFW]
- Thread starter BrueThru
- Start date
Not safe for work
.....:scared:
Brock Kickass
New Member
Funny, I din't know what NSFW meant either, and I have been reading these to my boss across the counter all day
Well instead of a prolonged discussion about what NSFW means or who it portains to (all the whiney ass americans that can't take a joke).
You know...I'm an American and I am getting real tired of all the other "Americans" who feel compelled to be "offended" at their leasure.
You know what.............F**K YOU!
This is an international forum. That means the whole world can tell jokes here if they chose to do so and I accept any and all jokes (the Mods may not), even if they are about us.
You know why? Because the're friggin jokes. Funny is funny...I don't care who you are. A world without humor, to me, seems a dismal place.
I apologize if that seems a bit hostile.
So how about some more joke telling?
You know...I'm an American and I am getting real tired of all the other "Americans" who feel compelled to be "offended" at their leasure.
You know what.............F**K YOU!
This is an international forum. That means the whole world can tell jokes here if they chose to do so and I accept any and all jokes (the Mods may not), even if they are about us.
You know why? Because the're friggin jokes. Funny is funny...I don't care who you are. A world without humor, to me, seems a dismal place.
I apologize if that seems a bit hostile.
So how about some more joke telling?
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An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.
As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.
When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.
The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"
The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"
The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
no offence
to any americans
As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.
When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.
The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"
The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"
The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
no offence
to any americansthis is pretty old but funny
This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.
The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"
The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"
a few more blondie jokes
How do you know a blondes' having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
How did the blonde die at the baseball game?
She drowned during the wave.
How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" on both sides.
How do you know a blondes' having a bad day?
Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
How did the blonde die at the baseball game?
She drowned during the wave.
How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" on both sides.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks , and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks , and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Larry Is In The Hospital.
Who in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says
"Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Who in the hell is Larry?
Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says
"Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his
privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
short letters
[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, Serif] Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
[/FONT]
[FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, Serif] Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
[/FONT]
2 brothers are travelling through Europe on a train. One is so hard of hearing, he's legally deaf. The other brother looks across the aisle and sees an old man he thinks he recognizes.
Brother - "Excuse me sir, but have you ever served in the Queen's Army?"
Old man - "I served in the Queen's Army for 30 years!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he served in the Queen's Army for 30 years. Sir, have you ever been to Brisbane?"
Old man - "I served in the Queen's Army in Brisbane for 30 years!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he served in the Queen's Army in Brisbane for 30 years. Sir, when you were in Brisbane, did you know General Westmount?"
Old man - "Why yes I did! I bunked with General Westmount for 17 years, in Brisbane!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he bunked with General Westmount for 17 years in Brisbane! Sir, did you know General Westmount's wife?"
Old man - "I did, very well! General Westmount's wife gave the BEST blow jobs in all of Brisbane!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he knew Mother.
Brother - "Excuse me sir, but have you ever served in the Queen's Army?"
Old man - "I served in the Queen's Army for 30 years!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he served in the Queen's Army for 30 years. Sir, have you ever been to Brisbane?"
Old man - "I served in the Queen's Army in Brisbane for 30 years!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he served in the Queen's Army in Brisbane for 30 years. Sir, when you were in Brisbane, did you know General Westmount?"
Old man - "Why yes I did! I bunked with General Westmount for 17 years, in Brisbane!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he bunked with General Westmount for 17 years in Brisbane! Sir, did you know General Westmount's wife?"
Old man - "I did, very well! General Westmount's wife gave the BEST blow jobs in all of Brisbane!"
Deaf guy - "What'd he say? What'd he say?"
Brother - "He said he knew Mother.